Remorse
by MeyaRose
Summary: Set after the events on Scipio in the Season 6 Clone Wars episode, "Crisis at the Heart," Anakin and Padme navigate the distance the events of the war has placed between them.


Despite the way he had held her close with relief after Clovis had fallen, there was a discernible distance between the secret lovers as they rode the gunship back to the cruiser. Anakin had been so relieved that she was okay, that he'd clung to her out of habit and in the emotions of the moment. Padme held on to the one thing that had been a constant, yet not consistently present, in the last couple years in which her life, along with the lives of everyone in the galaxy, was thrown into chaos because of the war, muttering apologies to her recently estranged husband.

Now the two stood awkwardly next to eachother, avoiding each other's eyes. Neither knew quite how to proceed or approach the other after the distance Padme had requested earlier. Anakin desperately wanted to take her into his arms again, but did not want to do so without her consent. Padme was feeling insecure as to if she really deserved this man who loved her so fully and irreversibly.

Not that they could have acted on their feelings, surrounded by a dozen clone troopers, but still. These were Anakin's men, who knew that, at the very least, Anakin and Padme were close friends. Even if they didn't know the details of what went on between these two, they could sense the tension, and that this was not the way the two "friends" usually appeared when together.

They arrived at the cruiser and exited the gunship without saying anything. As they walked through the hangar, Anakin turned to Padme as if he wanted to say something, but seemed to hesitate, then change his mind.

"I need to report to Chancellor Palpatine that the planet is now under Republic control and that you're safe, Senator," Anakin finally said, as they found themselves in a long corridor.

Padme replied, "I can come with you to report back if you wish."

"There's no need. I'm sure you could use some rest. I'll have this trooper escort you to a vacant officer's quarters." Anakin said, then turned toward the bridge.

That small statement said much about the strain between them. Usually he would escort her himself, and sometimes they'd just end up in _his_ quarters, as those stolen moments were all they had. Now everything was totally above board, as any other Senator and Jedi would behave toward each other.

The trooper assigned to the task turned to Padme, "This way, Senator," then proceeded to walk in the opposite direction Anakin had taken.

Padme took a last, regretful look at Anakin's retreating form, then proceeded to follow the trooper.

As he walked toward the bridge, Anakin thought, not for the first time that day, about his marriage and the events that led up to the fight in Padme's apartment. He still couldn't believe Padme had let herself be fooled by that piece of poodoo, Clovis. And the way Clovis looked at her and took liberties with her still made him clench his fists in anger, even though the man was dead now, and no longer a threat.

Still, as much as he could blame Padme and Clovis for everything, he was ashamed of himself. A Jedi isn't supposed to feel such anger, and even if he does, he certainly shouldn't act on those feelings. Padme was right, he could have easily killed Clovis. He came dangerously close to it. He was so bent on his anger that he didn't even hear Padme's shouts to stop until he had already gone too far.

And then there were Padme's words on the veranda afterwards. She said she was not happy, that she didn't feel safe. That was the very last thing he wanted. Her safety and happiness were of the utmost importance to him, and to have failed her so completely was intolerable. She said this wasn't a marriage. She had a point, as the secrecy meant that they were only married in their minds and hearts and not to the rest of the galaxy. There was a reason he had always wanted to shout to the rooftops that she was his, but she'd always prevented him from doing so, citing "duty comes first."

He sighed as he reached the bridge, then made his way to the com center to contact Coruscant.

Padme changed into the military issue clothes in the cabin to sleep, but it wasn't the tough, itchy fabric that was causing her to toss and turn as she attempted to sleep. She was exhausted from the week's events, but Anakin's heartbroken face kept entering her mind. She turned again.

Several hours later she found herself wandering the corridors of the cruiser, half hoping she'd run into Anakin, half-hoping she'd just tire herself out enough to go to sleep.

Realizing sleep was unlikely to happen, she asked for directions from a trooper, who politely told her the quickest way to the General's quarters. He offered to contact him for her, but she told him that it wasn't necessary, she simply wanted a quick talk with him in person.

After navigating the directions the trooper gave her, she found herself outside Anakin's door. Touching the door panel, she was admitted immediately. It was touching that he had it set so that she could enter whenever she chose. As she stepped in, she mused that he may not have had time to change it, but then realized he'd never change it anyway. He wasn't inside. She knew where to look for him next.

There were many times in their marriage when he was home from a mission, recovering, or on a meditative retreat, or else on leave, that she would find him in her apartment's hangar, tinkering with her speeders, droids, and other random objects from her apartment or the Nubian embassy. Sometimes it was just for something to do while she was busy working on something or other for the Senate. Other times it was to get his mind off of whatever horrors of the war he had seen. "Life's so much simpler when you're fixing things," he always said. Padme made her way back to the hangar they had landed in earlier.

As she went inside, the room was mostly dark and quiet, save for a section several yards to the left of the door she had just entered. She followed the light and noise until she found Anakin's feet sticking out from underneath a Jedi starfighter. The light clanking noises stopped and Anakin pulled himself out from under the small ship.

"Hello," Padme said, not sure where to begin.

"Senator," he replied in his best, polite Jedi voice.

Resisting the urge to cringe at his obvious attempt to place a wall between them, Padme said, "I'm sorry," again.

Anakin said nothing.

"I should have said no to the Chancellor's request when you asked me to." Padme began.

Anakin gave a defeated shrug, "It wasn't my place to tell you how to do your duty."

Padme could see he was still keeping the wall up. She was always the one concerned with doing their duty. Anakin only brought it up when he was trying to keep her at arms length.

Padme continued on, "I'm not talking about duty, or the Republic, or the Chancellor, or even Clovis. I'm talking about the fact that you asked me to step down as your husband, and I should have listened to you and respected you enough to do it. I'll admit that when you said "demand," I just shut you out and refused to listen to you out of pride and irritation. I'm so used to fighting my battles and making decisions alone that I keep forgetting that being married to you means that any decision I make affects you too."

"I know you're independent. It's one of the things I love about you, that you are so brave and willing to go to great lengths to do the right thing. I wish my moral fiber was so strong. I lost control. I shouldn't have beat up Clovis. I made you feel threatened and unhappy. I'm a Jedi, I should have done better." Anakin's words tumbled out, like he was trying to get it all off his chest as quickly as possible.

"That's just my point, though. It was wrong of you to attack him, yes, but none of that would have happened if I had just let some other Senator work with him, and kept my distance from him like you asked. It's true that you should trust me, as I would never do anything to betray you, but I forgot how selfish Clovis is. While he claimed to love me, it's true he always loved himself more. It's how I got poisoned on Cato Nemoidia, and how he got duped by Count Dooku."

Anakin wasn't convinced Dooku had all that much to do with Clovis' deception. He was sure Clovis did most, if not all of it himself, but he wasn't going to bring that up now.

"Well, as long as we can agree that Clovis was a serpent, I think that's all that needs to be said." Anakin turned back to his starfighter.

Padme recognized that it was more of a dismissal than an acknowledgement of working things out between them.

"Don't do this. Don't shut me out. We're supposed to be partners," Padme pleaded.

"This isn't a marriage, as you said. You said we shouldn't see eachother anymore. I'm merely respecting your wishes." Anakin wanted things to be okay, but he couldn't help but say that jab because it had hurt so much when she had said those things.

"I only said that because I was angry and frightened at what you'd done. I didn't even stop to think of what I had done to cause it. I never should have let him close enough to try to kiss me like that. And as wrong as it was, I recognize that the reason you snapped was because you do care for me so much." Padme's voice got soften near the end.

"You are the most important thing in the galaxy to me. I was angry about the precarious situation you had placed yourself in, but I admit I was more jealous than anything else. Clovis wouldn't have had to hide a relationship with you. In fact, he didn't, back when you two were together before the war. He could have given you everything you were saying we don't and won't have that other married people do." Anakin looked down, his voice getting softer as he spoke.

"I told you, I have no feelings for Clovis. That's why I ended things with him long ago. My heart only beats for you." The mere few feet of distance between them suddenly seemed too much to Padme. She walked as close to Anakin as she could, then stood on her toes and kissed him.

Anakin didn't respond to the kiss. He wanted to grab her, but was still reeling from the painful conversation they'd just had. Padme pulled away, feeling the rejection, and turned to walk out of the hangar, defeated.

She didn't even take a full step before she was grabbed forcefully by her strong Jedi husband, and kissed passionately until she was breathless. It was fruitless for them to try to stay away from eachother. Every cell of their bodies cried out to the other.


End file.
